As a teenager with my eye on becoming a movie star, I spent many hours having my picture taken. So lately, I’ve been a little taken aback when I see myself in photos. Granted, I don’t spend hours in front of the mirror observing which angle is my best anymore, but still I really wanted to know how this person on the left
You can understand how disturbing this must feel. So, I decided to do some field research into the matter and did an impromptu photo shoot of myself last night. I was pleased to see that with a little practice one can improve their photogenic propensity, or at least learn about what not to do. I’ve distilled my findings into a list of poses:
The Intimate Shot Lie on your bed and try to have something provocative in the background. Like a cozy photo of your family, or a box of condoms, a subtle gesture indicating social responsibility and good hygeine. This makes you feel up close and real and makes people feel like they know you and can stalk you.
The Julia Roberts If you have good teeth show them off with a big sexy guffawing laugh. Think of teeth as an accessory. Or a warning to other predators to back off.
Regretful Starlet Take inappropriate photos. And then delete them. The aura of friskiness you have now created will show through on the rest of the photos. Or at the very least, the person taking the pictures will not delete them when you ask him to and then will have something to blackmail you with later.
The Baby Pose Whatever you do and under no circumstances should you stick your finger in your mouth. Are you a baby? No, you are not. Fingers don’t go in your mouth.
The Messy Hair Pose Get your hair out of your face. I know you think that it is really sexy but it is just actually really f*#$#* annoying.
The Isabelle Rossellini Unless you are this wonder-goddess or similarily gorgeous, then keep your eyes open. Otherwise you just look like you had too much white wine next to the pool while waiting for your check to arrive.
Heroin Chic Don’t imbibe beforehand. Unless you are 19 year old runway model from Bulgaria and you live in the 90’s. Otherwise you just look faded.
Whimsical Gal Practice making funny faces where you look silly, but not disgusting. Go for cute and fun, not horror movie.
Girl Next Door Try tilting your head ever so slightly to the side with a grin that says, I’m just the sweetest.
The Dreamer Clasp hands under your chin, look off into the clouds dreamily and think, “la la la!”
Slab of Boob Be sure to show some boobage. But not the sexy cleavage, but rather the sunburned flabby slab near your upper arm. That’s the new cleavage.
Photo Shop Monster It is very helpful to know someone who can take your raw photos and then cut and paste the best parts together later. I really love it when they put the perfect head on the perfect body. Or better yet, maybe they can just cut your eyes and lips out, then stick them on a picture of just your boobs. I think this would be ideal and really streamline things for the male viewer.
Accept Change: Adapt to the new image of yourself in photos. You feel like your face doesn’t look the same anymore? It doesn’t. Be comforted by the fact that no one’s does. So get over it. You change. Your face changes. You’ve practice being focused in life and taken seriously? Well, so has your face. You grow. Your nose grows. You get the idea.